If you are one of the 3 people that read this ‘blog’ (on a good day) you will have realised that I enjoy a civilised glass of wine from time to time. A light tipple, if you will. I imagine myself much more “1930’s Hollywood starlet enjoys a dry martini and a cigarette while draped over a velvet chair” and much less “drunk woman uses pizza slice as a pillow in the street.” We all have our delusions.
So sometimes, sometimes, normally with Daisy but occasionally with another friend/lover (RARELY ON MY OWN – IMPORTANT TO NOTE) I will drink a lot of wine before going to the cinema. Maybe we’ve been to a delicious lunch and then diverted to the pub before heading to the cinema? Maybe we’ve just got Glastonbury tickets and have been celebrating by drinking a bottle of prosecco for breakfast? Who can tell!
When a drunk cinema trip does happen, there’s generally three outcomes:
1. It makes the film brilliantly enjoyable, hilarious and unexpectedly emotional. You’ll always remember it in a rosy haze of glory.
2. The film will be so depressing, boring and confusing that you will leave the cinema upset, angry and will forever tell everyone you meet that it just didn’t make any sense.
3. You fall asleep.
The other possibility is you inadvertently forget the film ever existed, so you don’t need to worry about that one.
On that note, I present to you: a list of films that are good to watch while drunk. With some of these, I’d even go so far as to suggest you ONLY watch them while drunk. You’re welcome.
Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again
We went into this fully intending to be drunk and it was pretty much the most sensible decision we made in 2018. When we turned up to the 9pm showing at the Exeter Odeon, it was packed to the brim with rowdy women smelling like prosecco and drinking sauvignon blanc miniatures. Do you know what? It’s a stereotype, but it’s goddamn accurate.
The film went by in a heavenly whirr of Greek sunshine, singalong hits and overly enthusiastic jazz hands. One lady behind us stood up to sing and dance at full volume for every single song. How annoying do you reckon that would be sober? But drunk, an absolute joy. Come be my new best friend annoying lady!
By the time Cher arrived we were licking the inside of plastic cups clean and sobbing inappropriately heavily. What am I saying?! It was fully appropriate.
Conclusion: I’m sure this is still really enjoyable sober, but for a busy cinema viewing you need to submit to what you know is right: a lot o’ wine.
David Brent: Life on the Road
Before heading to see Life on the Road, the Ricky Gervais sort of The Office sequel, we did a mini pub crawl and had a snifter of wine in a few pubs along Fore Street – a great exercise to carry out if you’re on the way to the Picturehouse. During the film, clutching a glass of wine (actually bought from the bar – I’m less free wheeling with my alcohol sneaking in classier establishments), I literally fell off my chair laughing.
Fell. Off. My. Chair. Laughing.
Conclusion: I’ve since watched this film sober, and can confirm you will not fall off any furniture at all if you do not have lots of lovely drinks first. It’s still funny and very sweet, but your dignity will probably remain in tact.
Fifty Shades of Grey 1, 2 and 3
The marketing team behind the trio of Fifty Shades films are not idiots, and therefore released every one of the films on Valentine’s Day. For one in particular (regrettably, I can’t remember which – risk of the trade), we had to book tickets 2 months in advance as the Odeon was THAT busy. On the night, the packed out screen was full of young-ish women popping bottles of prosecco, gleefully shouting out at the screen and laughing until their cheeks hurt.
The film is of course not supposed to be that funny, but with a belly full of Pizza Express Valentine’s Set Menu and in a room with hundreds of other women watching a slightly saucy and extremely ridiculous film – everything becomes hysterical. It was like being on a mass hen do and it was glorious.
Conclusion: I can’t state this strongly enough – do not ever attempt to watch one of these sober.
Kong: Skull Island
“After the Vietnam war, a team of scientists explore an uncharted island in the Pacific, venturing into the domain of the mighty Kong, and must fight to escape a primal Eden.”
Does that sound like an exciting premise for a film to you? Like it’s going to be a hilarious romp highlighted by Tom Hiddleston’s arms and some absolutely nonsensical acting from Samuel L Jackson? Well drink 3 x glass of wine, smash back 1 x bag of haribo and head to the cinema on a Saturday afternoon with a loved one! Cinematic heaven.
Conclusion: Daisy had to help me A LOT with this as I had fully remembered Kong as Rampage: another excellent romp of a film about a giant ape, but this time starring The Rock. In my defence, similar vibe.
Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie
It is actually offensive to me that you would go and watch this without being as pissed as Eddie and Patsy. Our Mum even bought us a bottle of Bollinger to drink before we went, and I’m pretty sure we walked to the cinema in sunglasses and fur.
Conclusion: You really don’t need to be sober enough to remember this film. I’m pretty sure they wrote it assuming the audience would be smashed.
A Bad Moms Christmas
I shouldn’t even REMEMBER that there was a Bad Moms Christmas film, but before we attended this showing we had the very important thought that we should definitely not go in sober as it was bound to be terrible.
There was a group of women sat in the front row who laughed so loudly throughout this deeply average film that their enjoyment travelled through the air and landed in our brains, and we too began to enjoy the film. This was more of a 2 glass of wine cinema trip (a light buzz and slight rosy cheeked glow) than a full on Mamma Mia 2 situ, but it was just the right amount to make their screams of laughter infectious, rather than irritating.
Conclusion: Literally who even saw Bad Moms Christmas? Who were those women?
A Star is Born
This is where the above Glastonbury tickets = prosecco for breakfast incident happened, a day on which my boyfriend groggily opened the living room door at 10am to our ear-splittingly gleeful shouting and offers of a glass of fizz! What a treat! He was not impressed!
We clumsily made our way down to the Odeon Luxe at around 1pm and joined a full showing of A Star is Born – a film we had saved to watch together due to a mutual love for Lady Gaga, and the premonition that it was going to be a special one.
Unlike the other films here, this incident did not result in the cinema turning into one hilarious mass party. Option number two happened, the story being SO SAD that I genuinely thought I was going to throw up from misery. This wasn’t to say we didn’t enjoy it, but it involved a lot of dramatically turning to look at each other when something awful was happening to confirm that yes, we were both sobbing uncontrollably.
Luckily, the film is meant to be sad, and watching it all buzzed up on ‘secco with my sister on a Sunday afternoon and crying so much we felt ill is something that I will always cherish.
Conclusion: Try to avoid the Bradley Cooper being an alcoholic bits of the film by going for a wee or pouring more wine loudly.
Thank you for reading this utter, utter nonsense. I will be writing a follow up about films which are awful to watch drunk, of which I also have many stories. Exciting.